The Hurt

This was written last night, in the wee hours while I was hurting. I didn't post it and wasn't sure I should because I feel it exposes my vulnerable side. And I want to be seen as the strong, independent woman I've become, not the weak girl who gets hurt easily. But this in on my mind to post. I hope it touches whoever it's meant to touch.

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They say that what you give is what you get.

I believe that.

In my life, I've given good but I've also given bad. I've brought much happiness and joy to others. But on the other hand, I've inflicted terrible hurts to those I loved and to the ones who loved me.

I was always sorry about it all. I hated the things I'd done to hurt another, but tonight I honestly believe that I actually felt a little of the pain that I've brought to someone in particular. Someone who was a friend. A close friend. A mother in a way, in the beginning.

My situation began a couple of days ago, when I had a disagreement with a particular person to whom I'm related. I love this person so much and always have. I've watched him grow up and I've tried to be good to him by providing for him and his mother when his own father left them high and dry. I offered him a place in my new apartment and I introduced him to a director who was going to give him an opportunity of a lifetime; one that doesn't often come to kids in WV, especially poor kids.

I was doing all of this because of my love for the child, (he's an adult now). I found out a few weeks ago that he's been using drugs and it broke my heart. I know it's because he doesn't know how to deal with his home life and all that's happened, but it's the worst thing he can do. I tried to talk to him, even offered to get him help, but nothing. He wants no part of it.

So after all I've done for him, he went off on me tonight. He hurt me so very, very deeply that I have no words to explain the pain that I'm feeling right now. It's as if I could wail from my belly so loudly that I'd probably lose my voice. The pain is so deep and raw and I don't know what to do. I sat here and said nothing. I tried my best to hold back the tears, be the strong woman I know that I am. But it's of no use. I'm hurt and I had to let the tears out. When I did, they flowed and it made me think about how even family can hurt you. Even though he is not my blood, only by marriage, it still hurts like the devil. I thought about how hurt seeems to come from out of left field when it's from someone you love. I never would have thought this child would turn on me. I allowed the pain to come out through tears, but I stopped and decided to put the rest of the pain in my words on the screen. I want to say this tonight, if there is anyone out there that I've ever hurt, in any way whatsoever, I want to say that I'm sorry. If we went to school together or worked together in the past and I hurt you, from everything inside of me, I'm sorry. If the pain you felt from anything I may have done to you was anything like the pain he inflicted on me tonight, then oh my god, I apologize and implore you to forgive me. Please forgive me. When you are insensitive, you only care about yourself. You may think of others, but in the end if you wind up hurting someone, then ultimately you are only thinking of yourself in that moment. It took me a really long time to learn that. I know I've done things in my past that have led to deep hurts to others, and I've felt shame and remorse for them. But tonight, I felt true, unhinged, unduleterated sorrow for what I've inflicted on others in my life. All because he hurt me so deeply, did it cause me to really stop and feel the pain that I've caused.

So the saying "you get what you give", is a true and fair one. I know I've paid for my "sins" many times over in the past, that's why I can't figure out why this came back to me tonight. Someone told me maybe it was so I could move past what happened and finally bury it. Finally put to rest all of it and go on. Maybe. I just know that if I could take away the hurt I've caused her, I would. I just don't know how to do it. I don't know how to go back and erase the pain in her heart.

I don't ever want to be again, the person who hurts others and I know that we are none perfect and in life, we will hurt people. But oh my goodness, I'd rather be hurt like I was tonight, than to inflict that kind of sorrow on someone else.

Take care of each other, love each other, because wounds like this are horrible.

Remember to work hard and Dream Big!! (and love a lot)

Much love,

Christy