Domestic Violence Awareness

October is not only Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but it's also the month where we endeavor to bring awareness to another cause that's near to my heart, domestic violence.

Domestic violence was something I'd heard about all my life and even seen when I was child during the fights between my mom and dad, before he was killed.

Back in those days, no one thought anything of a man being mean to a woman because it was so commonplace.

How sad!!

It's terrible when a man hitting a woman or talking down to her would be considered normal by society, but unfortunately, it was in the seventies.

Times have changed and now we are educating women, men and children about domestic violence, how to spot it and how to get out of it's grip.

It's one of the most serious issues that I speak on because it's one that I lived through for five years. I know you've all heard my story and you may be bored with it, but it's one I'll keep talking about to bring awareness to the topic.

Domestic violence was something I never dreamed I'd ever be a part of. It was one of those things that when you heard about, you wondered why women stayed with their abusers. I NEVER understood what would cause a woman to stay with a man that hit her or was violent with a weapon until I experienced it for myself.

I had met a man that I was instantly attracted to; that never happens for me. As soon as his face cleared the door of my office, I was smitten and so was he. When our eyes locked, we knew in a second that our lives had changed. He was gorgeous and seemed to be the Prince Charming for which I'd searched most of my life.

He was funny, kind, handsome in a rugged sort of way, and best of all, he was sweet to me. Over the course of the next few months, he courted me by traveling for hours just to see me. He called me every night and we talked for hours about life and our interests. I fell in deep and I thought he had as well. After a few months of long-distance dating, I began to go see him in his home state. I would spend the night and things seemed to be progressing really well for us. After a year of doing that, I moved in with him and EVERYTHING began to fall apart.

No longer was I the one that he needed to pursue, but rather someone that he seemed to hate. Gone were the sweet things he said and did. They were replaced instead with screaming obscenities and ugly words at me. He called me names and threatened me almost daily. The physical violence came into it after my move. He held a loaded 9MM Glock to my left temple and told me that he was going to kill me. To this day I can't tell you what set him off to push him to that point. All I know is that through my counseling, I've come to realize that I didn't anything that day. The problem lay in him. He was the one who was out of control and full of rage for others because he was full of hate for himself. That was by far the MOST scared I've ever been in my whole life. I just knew that I was going to die. I sat there as he drove the car and I prayed for God to help me. He finally calmed down after I begged for my life and told him I was sorry for whatever I had done to make him angry. I knew the whole time it was NOT my fault, but when you are faced with dying by gunshot to the head, you'll accept the blame for anything you can, just to live.

The verbal abuse continued daily for the next five years and the physical abuse would come and go, depending on how rageful he was and what weapon happened to be available for him to grab. There was an occasion where he held a large butcher knife to my throat and threatened me, my son, and my sister. I was shaking, my heart has never pounded so hard and I honestly thought I would have a heart attack. I had no idea if he would go through with slicing my neck or not.

I ended up leaving that day. I went home to WV and stayed with my sister for a few days. He texted and begged me to "come home". I sent him photos of my arms where he'd beat me and left bruises and of the small cut on my neck where he'd almost pushed the knife through. He apologized and promised to never do it again if I would only come home to him.

He made it sound so good and I went back. I believed him when he said he was sorry and that it would never happen again. I honestly believed him.

Well, it was a lie. It happened again, and it got worse. He continued to berate me and hurt me any way he could. He used his words to make me feel like I was nothing, he used embarrassment in front of his family, he used words to downgrade me in front of strangers in town. Over the years, he got worse but I stayed.

Why? You may be asking that, so I'll tell you.

The year before I became involved in that relationship with him, I had been involved in a relationship with a man that I should never have entered into. It was one that was cursed from the very beginning and was not ordained of God in any way whatsoever. Without too much detail, I'll just say that I was shunned by my whole town, many friends, my family and even strangers after that relationship ended. So, having gone through all I went through with that one, I was left feeling like the horrible person that others were saying I was. So I went into the next relationship in an emotional mess. I started that new relationship with a deficit. He came into it with his baggage as well. He had mental illness and together, we were just a mess. I was already feeling unworthy of anyone's love, and when he reinforced it with his words of putting me down, it just drove it home in my mind. I was already feeling like a bad person, so when he told me that I didn't deserve anything better, I believed him and I took all that he said and did to me.

Over the five years of that relationship, I left many times, but I never got far before he was calling me and asking me to come home. He would tell me he was sorry but when it didn't work with me anymore, he would use his insults to bring me back. He would tell me that I was lucky that he loved me because I was so unlovable and that no one else wanted me. That worked for him each time and I would go back and endure more of the same.

One day the end came and I finally left when the violence turned toward my son. That was more than I could bear, so we fled and my life slowly changed.

After I distanced myself from it, I looked back at the whole thing and realized there were red flags everywhere. There were things going about two months into the dating part of the relationship that I ignored. Things that I'd seen my father to do my mother, and had seen other men to to their wives or girlfriends that I excsued as just him being in a bad mood. I want to stress that as soon as you see the first red flag, the first warning, HEED it, because he is showing you at that very moment who he really is. He is not ashamed to show you his true self. So you need to end the whole thing right there. I wish that I had listened to his words and watched his actions more closely. It would have saved me a lot of heartache, hurt, and tears if I'd just left when it first started.

I know you may be thinking that your situation is different and you can't get out. Well, it may be different than mine was, but I know there's always help available for you. Wait until you get a moment alone. In a store or at home by yourself. Find someone that you can trust and confide in them. Make a plan of escape to a safe place. Have a trusted friend set it up for you and then on the appointed day, flee!!!

But let me warn you to be careful. ONLY tell the one you trust the most. Only seek help from someone who will see you through to the end and be with you each step of the way. It's not going to be the easiest thing you've ever done, but with help, you can do it.

I'm going to include some statistics and the number of the hotline to call. Once you look at it, delete it from your browser history. Erase any calls from your phone, leave no trace of evidence that you are reaching out for help.

You can do this.

Every NINE seconds in the United States, a woman is assaulted or beaten. One in three women has been abused by a domestic partner, and of those, only 34% seek medical care for their injuries. 19% of domestic violence cases involve a weapon. One in five children is exposed to domestic violence each year. Those are cold, hard facts!! Domestic violence is a serious issue and it's nothing to laugh about. It's a dangerous situation where people die every day. Be a part of the solution by bringing awareness to it. Hotline: 1 800 799 SAFE (7233).

Much love,

Christy